Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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