broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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