I accidentally burped into my bong.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
