I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
