Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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