she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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