I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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