Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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