i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
