I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
