Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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