I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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