one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
