i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
