I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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