Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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