She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
