i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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