Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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