Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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