After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
worst night to have a conscience
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
