They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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