got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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