After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
