Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
