Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i dont even know how to be here
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
