mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
