Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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