Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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