I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
