i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize