I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
