my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
