Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
