No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
