If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
