I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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