Someone shit on the floor
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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