i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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