Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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