I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
