BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
