Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
