Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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