last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
