Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
