she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
