I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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