Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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