I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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