Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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