He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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