You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
