Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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