No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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