Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
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It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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