i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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