i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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