I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
