Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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