I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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